MTV Movie Awards Red Carpet: THE DRESSES

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I did not watch the MTV Movie Awards last night. I did not watch them because I was, I dunno, doing anything other than watching the MTV Movie Awards. This did not stop me from logging into the photo agency sites tonight to pore over every damn dress that everyone wore, because that is the only thing good about awards shows anymore.

I’m so old I don’t even recognize half of the people in these photos. I’ll tell you what, though: THEY’RE ALL FAT. I’m kidding, of course. After nearly two full decades of the whole damn world whining in envious unison about how skinny everyone in Hollywood is, THESE PEOPLE ARE STILL REALLY SKINNY. THEY ARE GETTING SKINNIER. I know how, though. Kristen Stewart’s chin absorbs half the body mass of anything it comes into contact with.

Paris Hilton actually looked really pretty and happy and not at all disturbed by her recent realization that the witch doctor lied to her as a child, and sleeping with 500 D-listers at the height of their D-list fame is not, in fact, going to fix her wonky eye.

There is a chick named Lily Collins who I’ve never heard of but whoever was doing her hair extensions got carried away and gave her some serious eyebrow extensions, too, and then whoever was doing her eye makeup did everything possible to accentuate those eyebrows while still maintaining the 8-year-old-who-just-got-a-Cover-Girl-set-for-Christmas illusion, and, really, Lily Collins’ Makeup People, if that was the goal, GREAT FUCKING JOB. Seriously, who is this chick? Why am I so old now?

Stephanie Pratt should find the AA meeting where they talk about neon splatter dresses and make it her fucking home group.

Katy Perry is wearing a blue wig and the leftovers from Britney Spears’ 2000 VMA performance (JESUS CHRIST WAS THAT REALLY TEN YEARS AGO?) because the second you release a song called “California Gurls” you know it’s all over for you and you may as well wear a blue wig and stand next to the four-foot-tall Snooki Polizzi like you’re a goddamn drag queen because really who spells it “gurl” anymore? Are we going to publish a ‘zine about it, too?

Eat a cookie, Whitney Port. Eat a Snooki. I don’t care. Just eat. Do you still have a TV show? Can I be on it? Can anyone just be on a TV show now? Are you what would happen if someone forcibly stretched Snooki to three times her current height? Why is your dress the same color as pee?

Audrina Patridge looks more like a monkey every time I’m subjected to a visual reminder of her existence.

And that sparkly stuff on Lindsay Lohan’s — ahem — pantsuit? It’s cocaine. Later on, she’s going to get her SCRAM bracelet really fucking high, so that it doesn’t notice that she’s drunk.

Hey, Christina Aguilera? We’re chill, girl.