Charlie Sheen — who’s been in rehab for the past two weeks for alcoholism and cocaine use — will be leaving March 19 to resume taping Two and a Half Men. I know we’re supposed to be all up in arms about this, like, “HE NEEDS TO STAY IN REHAB LONGER!!” but, by March 19, he’ll have done nearly the standard 30 days, which is more than I can say for his wife. Brooke Mueller left two separate rehab facilities to be “treated” for her alcoholism at home. Because clinging to the belief that you’re different and better than everyone else is a surefire sign that you’re ready to recover from your addiction. Seriously. It’s on the wall at AA meetings. “Step 1: You don’t have to do this the same way as everybody else because God loves you extra.” Sheesh.
Plus, there’s a lot riding on Charlie Sheen showing up to tape this show. While he may be set for life financially, you better believe the camera men and the props guys and the set designers and the makeup people are still counting on this show for a paycheck. He’d be fucking a lot of people over by delaying production another month. So I get why he’s doing this.
Charlie also has a March 15 date at Pitkin County Court in Colorado in connection with the domestic violence incident that led to his arrest on Christmas. He’s facing one felony and two misdemeanor charges regarding the incident when he allegedly held a knife to Brooke’s throat and threatened to kill her. The Chief Deputy Attorney has said he will turn down any plea deal that does not involve a felony. Charlie may well be doing some jail time — so he better get as many of those episodes in the can before he’s in one himself.
OK, this pretty much epitomizes the self-centered celebrity image.
Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over that Super Bowl ad where the babies are talking about stock trading and that one baby calls another baby named Lindsay a “milkaholic” and OBVIOUSLY THIS IS ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN.
For realz, you guys. She’s suing for $100M — that’s $50 million in compensatory damages and $50 million of exemplary damages. The lawsuit also demanded that E-Trade stop running the ad and turn over all copies to her.
The suit claims the character of baby Lindsay improperly invoked her “likeness, name, characterization and personality” without permission, violating her right of privacy.
Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, tells the New York Post: “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit. They used the name Lindsay. They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”
Jesus Christ. IT’S NOT LIKE THEY NAMED THE BABY OMAROSA.
Chris Brown, a spokesman for Grey Group, which produced the spot, says it “just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team.”
WOAH. Either it’s already April 1st or E-Trade has already paid Lindsay Lohan for the publicity this lawsuit is going to create for them, because this is complete and total madness. It’s like my entire job to keep an eye on what people are saying and thinking about Lindsay Lohan, and this is the very first I’ve heard of this. THIS IS RIDICULOUS, LINDSAY. YOU’RE NOT EVEN THAT RELEVANT ANYMORE.
Get a fucking job.
In other, sort of stranger news — and let me be clear that I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A BABY — but I’m kind of turned on by the voice of the douchebag behind the trader baby. Even though I know he’s a douchebag who’s going to cheat on me and pretend that he can fix it by buying me a nice purse and taking me to a fancy dinner where he’ll wear an overpriced douchebag suit and talk about the stock market and check his cell phone for text messages every ten minutes until he finally just takes it out of his pocket and sets it on the table and interrupts me to answer it and talk with a client about the football game last night and even the gay waiter kind of rolls his eyes and glances at me like “You’re really gonna put up with this bullshit?” and then I will go home with him that night and have sex with him even though I will spend most of that experience with my head turned aside, rolling my eyes and wishing I could be texting during this bullshit, and he will ask me in the morning if I’ll make him a bowl of cereal and I will do that and when I bring it to him he will be on his cell phone talking about the stock market. I WANT THAT.
Why are women so stupid? It’s probably because we all have to share a chromosome with Lindsay Lohan.
Heidi Montag does the obligatory Funny or Die spoof on her use of plastic to pay for her plastic appendages. While it’s interesting to see the way her face sometimes-does and sometimes-doesn’t move (and that … odd, radioactive glow) it’s still a pretty lame attempt at humor. I went into this rather optimistically, thinking that maybe Montag would take a swipe at her own monstrous plastic surgery overhaul, but it turned into a commercial for the Consumer Protection Act instead. And an un-funny one at that.
I dunno. I thought Lindsay Lohan’s Funny or Die was way funnier, even if it had a more self-deprecating tone to it. If anyone’s Hollywood pseudo-alter ego needs a little bit of funnying up, it’s definitely Heidi’s.
Be sure to watch for Spencer “Toolbox” Pratt’s cameo appearance. This whole thing was probably his idea, anyway.
Hurt Locker producer Nicolas Chartier, who was banned from the Oscars ceremony for “aggressive campaigning” — he emailed Academy voters and urged them to vote for his tiny indie flick rather than the “$500M film” James Cameron made — watched the ceremony at a small party in a tent in Malibu. When his film won, he gave a long, long heavily accented speech. You can watch it above.
I do wish that all award winners were given a little more time to accept their awards. Nothing pains me more than seeing, like, three dudes win for best sound mixing, and two of them get to thank their wives and children and the directors and producers and then the other one is just left standing there, his crowning life achievement cut short, while the band plays him off. I was especially annoyed last night when the rich and famous people got up on stage and helped the other rich and famous people — aka Best Actor and Best Actress nominees — masturbate for half an hour. WTF did we need to do that for? The poor sound mixer guys could have all thanked their wives like 800 times in the space it took for yet another person to tell Meryl Streep that she’s brilliant. Even Meryl Streep was annoyed, I think.
I love you more than rainbows, you guys.
For most people, the idea of working with an ex-love is a complete nightmare. Even after the drama is over, years later, it would probably just feel weird to be working alongside someone that you used to bone and “share something” with. Cameron Diaz doesn’t have that attitude when it comes to teaming back up with her ex, Justin Timberlake in their new movie, Bad Teacher.
Yesterday on the Oscar red carpet, Cameron had nothing but nice things to say about her ex and co-star:
“We’re thrilled to have him. He’s the best person for the job. He’s going to be hilarious… He’s clearly a very talented comedian, look at his ‘Saturday Night Live’ [skits]. He’s fantastic, he’s going to be so great.”
Very generous of her, if I do say so myself. Sure, Justin can bring in the laughs on SNL, but I’m not sure if his ability to make me LOL is going to translate on the big screen, especially when he’s next to Justin Segal and Molly Shannon. Still, that’s very gracious of Cameron. It’s nice to see exes who still love each other… Wonder how Jessica Biel feels about that?
I didn’t see Alice in Wonderland this weekend, and I’ll probably wait until it comes out on video. But it seems that wasn’t the norm; the rest of you went out to the theater this weekend and gave the film the biggest March opening ever at $112 million for the weekend. That smashes the record set by 300 in 2007.
I’ve seen every other Tim Burton movie that has come out in the last 10 years, so in a way, I’ve already seen Alice in Wonderland. My friend described it as taking all the parts of Alice in Wonderland that the masses know about– not necessarily from the book– and vomitting it up on a timeline with lots of white face paint. Sounds about right to me.
